I’m not really an expert at anything. I once had a lady tell me that she could do a hundred things with great mediocrity; I know the feeling. But there is one thing that I do believe I have mastered and it is this: how to annoy your husband.
It’s very difficult to be a sweet perfect wife.
I tried that road at the starting line of our marriage. Once we started running the actual marathon and I got a taste of just how long till death do us part really is, and just how long I’d have to strive for perfection I realized that it was an effort in futility. I reasoned that if I couldn’t master how to be perfectly pleasant all of the time, I may as well master the opposite. After all it feels good to be wholly accomplished in something.
So without further ado here is my take on how to annoy your husband.
#1. How to annoy your husband with your cell phone
Never remember to plug your phone into the charger so that your battery is either dead or nearly dead at all times. This way he can’t reach you or will be afraid he won’t be able to reach you, should there be an emergency. When you do remember to charge your phone, take the one charger that he has designated as his and remove it from where it is always plugged in. Then plug it into a random receptacle around the house. Immediately forget where you plugged it in so that later when he goes to plug his phone in neither one of you can find it.
In conjunction with this or as an alternative: lose, break, or otherwise always keep your cell phone in a state of disrepair.
Accidentally have the ringer turned off: all the time. Especially if you are running errands and it’s getting late. Do go shopping and have it turned down so that you miss all of his calls and messages ; leaving him to wonder where you are and whether or not he should call the police to report a wife abduction.
Also: just simply don’t answer it.
I mean yes, usually it’s because the baby is crying because the toddler put her in the toy chest and then threw in all of his favorite blankets on top of her, then shut the lid and is now sitting on top of it eating a pile of warm gooey messy cookies you just baked that he shouldn’t have in the first place…but, the reason you never answer your phone is irrelevant. Just don’t. Let him assume it’s because the children are all studying a second language, the house is clean, and you are soaking in a warm bath ignoring the world.
Finally- ask to use his cell because yours is dead, lost, broken, etc. while he is in the middle of playing Clash of Clans. ( Clash Royal- whatever)
#2. How to annoy your husband while mowing the lawn
This is such a great one because you have the advantage of being “helpful” while being totally annoying at the same time. And he can’t complain because, after all, you did just mow the lawn.
Your man will most likely prefer to have pristine, perfectly straight lawn mowing lines in the yard. When he mows the lawn it’s a big deal which direction the lines go, as well as keeping the lines straight and even. So basically you need to mow the lawn like you have adult attention deficit disorder. Which, if there are children in the home, or you have a brain that functions like mine; this will be no struggle at all. I happen to have both my brain and kids! So this is a breeze.
Exibit A – Not Annoying
Exhibit B – Annoying
#3. How to annoy your husband while working on projects around the house
Definitely spend more time watching than working.
With a look of great skepticism ask him questions like,
” Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
” Huh, I didn’t know you knew how to do that.”
and the ultimate one,
” Maybe we should call my dad and ask him? ”
While working together make sure you have constantly malfunctioning power tools so that you have to interrupt what he is doing and enlist his help in straightening out whatever mess you keep getting yourself into. This will assure that the 1 hour worth of yard work you guys were gonna knock out together eats up an entire afternoon. Receive any advice he gives you on how to operate said power tools with stubborn indignation.
Finally, tackle home projects while he is away. Preferably ones he was skeptical about or said no to. Most likely his irritation will be brief once he is eclipsed by the brilliance of your completed project and he will apologize for his lack of faith in your creative genius.
#4. How to annoy your husband with intimacy
Send him alluring texts, emails, snaps etc. only to be completely exhausted at the end of the day after you finally get your kids to sleep. Then fall asleep on the couch while watching t.v. Eventually roll off the couch and throw yourself into bed with ” don’t even think about it” written all over your face.
When your husband is clearly interested and doing his best to “express his interest in you” prattle on about anything you can think of. Going on and on about the conflict you are having with your mother or mother-in-law is really icing on the cake. Nothing like emotional conflict with your parents to take the wind out of your husbands sails of arousal.
If you really want to go all the way with this one, say something random out loud during actively intimate moments like, ” Oh dangit! I forgot to take that Redbox movie back! Why do we even use Redbox!”
#5 How to annoy your husband while driving together
The best thing to do, other than second guessing his sense of direction, is to outrageously gasp or brace yourself at any sudden stops, if he follows anyone too close, almost hits a pedestrian, accelerates too quickly, or if you are driving in bad weather; anything to heighten the tension in the vehicle. When the tension builds to just the right amount say, ” Do you want me to drive?”. Bam.
If you are the one driving there really isn’t a whole lot you have to actively do to be exasperating. You know the whole ” female driver” thing. I’m afraid it’s a true story. Just the act of you driving is probably a little hair raising for your man. I said probably. If your relationship doesn’t land in this sphere then congratulations to you.
#6. How to annoy your husband while on a date
Have very strong opinions about what you do for the evening while simultaneously having no opinion at all. Be in the mood for any kind of food except for his first 5 or 6 suggestions. Force him to spend 30 minutes driving around the city while you keep saying, ” I don’t know! Anything sounds good, and I picked last time. Seriously I don’t care whatever you want.” When he says, ” Okay, McDonalds it is!” Throw him a look of exasperation and get irritated. Eventually end up at the place you went last time and order the same things, because it’s just that good.
While you are out absent mindedly bring up conversations that trigger arguments between you. It’s probably a good idea to try and hash out some of those things in the middle of your favorite Italian joint. Especially if the issues are of a deeply personal nature, then you can have the added bonus of making the wait staff feel out of place when you both fall awkwardly silent every time they come over to see how everything is going.
Tip them well.
As I type this I realize that this could be an extremely long list, I mean, infinity long. That’s just how much of an expert I am. But because this is a blog I’ll wrap it up with the speed round of annoyances:
Cry, cry often.
Say ” I’m sorry” to ad nauseam.
Pack him a lunch with a defunked ice pack so that his sandwich is waterlogged by the time he goes to eat it.
Compare him to the husbands of other people you know.
Nag. Nag again. Throw in a little more nagging for good measure.
Of course the classic, ” I’m fine!” when clearly you are not.
Ask him about the attractiveness of other women
body image questions in general, ” Am I fat?” Is this too saggy? Is this too small, or too big, or just “too” of something.” There’s a lot of material there to work with.
Always go on about how you need new clothes and you have nothing to wear.
Go shopping for clothes and come back with things for the kids instead.
Invite people over on the one weekend he has free all month.
Run back into the house 3-4 x to get things you’ve forgotten inside.
Leave him waiting in the vehicle for excessive amounts of time waiting for you while trying to leave home for a function, or while trying to leave said function, or while you “run” into the store for 1 thing. ( 1 thing… bahahahaha!)
Here’s the thing ladies. All of these things; all of the completely obnoxious things that you do won’t matter in the end! Because you’re a woman, and let’s face it, you’re irresistible and it’s okay if you drive him crazy in more ways than one.
So the next time you feel like you just can’t get it together, you’re tired of failing at everything, or you just can’t find that one thing you excel at- give the annoying wife thing a try.
You may find that it’s your thing too.